"WORDS ARE, IN MY NOT-SO-HUMBLE OPINION, OUR MOST INEXHAUSTIBLE SOURCE OF MAGIC. CAPABLE OF BOTH INFLICTING INJURY, AND REMEDYING IT." ~ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

Monday, January 24, 2011

Why I Write

I'm not sure how to start this post. I'd love to come in with a bang, with something über poetic, but I don't quite have it in me at the moment.

Maybe the title is a good enough lead in.

I grew up in a creative family. Writers and artists cluttered both my parents' sides of the family. Seriously, sometimes when I google "quotes about writing" I find lists with multiple relatives on them. That's a different blog post though, because today I'm writing about my grandmother. Nana.

As a child, I couldn't wait to hang out with Nana. I loved going to her house--her street was lined with Weeping Willows, which I grew up calling Rainbow Trees. I loved splashing around in her neighborhood pool in the summer and the way she'd make me hot cocoa in the winter. But what I really loved was to hear about whichever new book she was writing.

She's published several books. Nothing you've ever heard of, I'm sure, because she wrote them in a different age, in a completely different publishing world. But that's not the point. This is:

That she could run blank pieces of paper through her typewriter and--using nothing more than her creativity and some ink--pull them back out full of stories and characters absolutely amazed me. I wanted to do the exact same thing.

So enter me, at who knows how young, with a spiral notebook and pencil in hand, writing furiously. Poems. Short stories. Beginnings to novels. I'd write until my fingers went numb. One Christmas, I gave everyone in my family a short horror story I'd written. Another time, a booklet of poems. From those first few words--from that first moment I realized I could create something too--I was hooked. It's all thanks to Nana.

But last week, she had a massive stroke. She's unable to eat or drink, unable to respond to much of anything with the exception of a gentle hand squeeze here or there. And she's not expected to live through the next few days.

I find myself at a loss of what to say here, other than that my heart is breaking.

A part of me thinks it'd be easier if grief was a tangible thing. Like a strand of lace... Something I could roll into a ball and tuck away, waiting to snip a piece off here or there, in the rare moments I was ready to handle it.

The other part of me, the bigger part, knows grief is something I have to acknowledge. It's not a strand of lace. It may be just as intricate, but it's far from being as delicate--so maybe lace is the wrong metaphor altogether. Maybe it's more like a lump of heavy lead, similar to the one I currently feel sitting in my stomach. Or like a steel trap, to account for the one drawing tighter and tighter around my ribs.

In any case, I guess my point is that grief isn't something I can shove in a drawer and pretend isn't there. So, I'm facing it as best I can. I'll be taking a bit of a break from the blog to spend time with family and to sit with Nana for as many days as I have left with her.

I hope you all have a great month--and don't take anything for granted because you never know what will happen tomorrow.

40 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear about your Nana. She sounds like a truly inspiring, wonderful woman. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

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  2. beautiful post here and I am so sorry to hear about your Nana. It's good to take a break and connect with family at this. prayers being sent your way

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  3. Oh, Sara, my heart aches for you. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

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  4. I have lost all my grandparents and my parents are edging toward that mysterious doorway to somewhere else too. I wish you , your family, and your Nana all the best. She sounds amazing. You are brave to face your grief. It gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better eventually. I will also send a few prayers your way.

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  5. I'm so sorry about your Nana. I'll be keeping your family in my thoughts.

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  6. This post had a beautiful beginning. I loved your use of Rainbow Trees for Weeping Willows.

    Then I got to your point. I'm so sorry. Take all the time you need. We'll be here.

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  7. Sara; You write because it is given to do. "If it is given in grief, accept it there, so you may see whatever else is given." What you have written is elegant and very fine. It honors Nana as much as it moves those of us who didn't know her.

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  8. I'm so sorry Sara. I lost my mom 11/28/2010 and I can so empathisize with what you are going through. If you EVER need anything, let me know. HUGS

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  9. Sara, I'm so sorry to hear this. Your Nana sounds like an amazing woman. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  10. Sara, I'm so so sorry. Hang in there. Your Nana sounds like an amazing person, who had a great impact on your life.

    Hilary

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  11. "A part of me thinks it'd be easier if grief was a tangible thing. Like a strand of lace... Something I could roll into a ball and tuck away, waiting to snip a piece off here or there, in the rare moments I was ready to handle it."

    That is so beautifully written, Sara. My heart breaks with you, and I pray these last days with your grandmother bring you some measure of peace.

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  12. So, so sorry to hear this news, Sara. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time. I have to say, I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts about her. It's nice, I'm sure, to know that she touched not only your life, but many others, for the better. Thanks for sharing.

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  13. I'm so sad to read this blog post. I remember chatting with you at the same time you were on the phone with your sister, and just being so heartbroken about what happened. I'm even sadder to hear that she's not doing well.

    The way you express what she means to you is just lovely. It'll be something to carry with you forever.

    Hugs.

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  14. Sara, I'm so sorry. You and your Nana and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    This post honors her. It's lovely and heartbreaking.

    Love and hugs,
    Lola

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  15. *hugs* I'm so sorry. It definitely would be easier if all I had to do was hide my piece of lace--or steel trap--in the dark, dusty recesses of my room. I wish I had more to say, but I'm so sorry and I hope she makes a recovery. :( *hugs*

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  16. Hugs, darlin'. Strength to you and your family over the next few weeks.

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  17. Sara, your Nana sounds like a really amazing woman! I will keep her and your whole family in my prayers and thoughts. Even though I'll miss your posts, take all the time you need! It's going to be hard but I know that you are strong and brave and will get through this. Latley we've been having a lot of members in my family and really close family friends get cancer and my grandmother died from lung cancer two years ago, so I can imagine what you're going through. I'm sending lots of hugs and support your way!

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  18. ((hugs)) Call me if you need me. You KNOW I'm here.

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  19. I'm sorry, sweetie. Sending you and your Nana lots of love. Call me if you need anything. xo

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  20. My thoughts are with you and your Nana :(

    Please take comfort in the fact that her writing legacy is continuing through you ... I suspect she would be incredibly honored to know that!

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  21. I'm so sorry, Sara. My thoughts are with you and your family. What a wonderful gift your nana has given you, though. I'm sure she's very proud of the writer you've become.
    *hugs*

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  22. Such a beautiful post.

    My thoughts are with you. Stay strong.

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  23. Sara, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Beautiful memories are cherished forever. *hugs*

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  24. I smiled through the first part of your post and teared up for the rest.

    Treasure the moments you have left and the memories you'll have forever. My thoughts are with your and your Nana. Take care

    *hugs* Jemi

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  25. I'm so sorry, Sara...

    I'll be keeping you and your nana in my thoughts and prayers.

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  26. I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I lost my grandma a year ago this Tuesday and just one of the many things I loved about her was how much she loved to tell people (any people) that I was a writer. She was proud of me and I know your grandmother would be so proud to see the eloquent way you talked about her. I hope that you can both find some peace and comfort and know that you're in my thoughts!

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  27. I'll send prayers and hugs your way.

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  28. So sorry to hear about your Nana. Sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with her. {{{HUGS}}}
    to you and yours.

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  29. I'm sorry your Nana's having a hard time. My thoughts go out to you and your family. Best wishes <3

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  30. Oh, Sara, I'm so sorry. You and your fam are in my prayers. :(

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  31. You and your entire family are in my thoughts and prayers during such a difficult time. So hard to lose a life, especially someone who inspires/d us to be who we are.
    I am so glad to reconnect and that you stopped in on my babblings about fashion, lol.
    I had no idea you were a writer full time. How wonderful.
    best to you and yours.Thinking of you.
    C
    C

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  32. I'm sorry you're going through this, Sara. :( *Hug*

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  33. So sorry to hear about your grandmother. She sounds like a real inspiration to you. Hope that all will turn out well. Hang in there...

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  34. I'm very sorry to hear about your beloved grandmother sweetheart.

    Thinking of you. Big (hug).

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  35. I was so sorry to read your blog. How wonderful to have a Nana who was such a positive influence on you. My first grandchild is expected any time now and I'm already collecting books (I write too - cozy mysteries). I hope we have the same loving relationship as the two of you.
    Ann

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  36. Oh, Sara. I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. What a beautiful post. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

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  37. Hi there,

    I found your blog while wandering around the Internet and just happened to find you in a sad moment - I'm so sorry to hear about this. Sending best wishes.

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