Dancing Monkeys

Sorry I haven't been around, but dude. April. has. been. crazyballs.

I kicked the month off with a two-week trip driving from Augusta, GA, to Colorado Springs with my sister & her husband. (Which was awesomesauce, b-t-dubs, and I swear I have a photo-filled post coming soon.) Then, I leave again tomorrow for a trip to Kentucky with el hubster. It's going to be fabulous. We'll hang with his family and hit up the Keeneland Racetrack for some classy horse racing. Seriously, I have the cutest dress for it. And I'm searching for the perfect hat at the mall today. Something like:

Wouldn't I look fabulous in this? 

Okay, not really. But still.

*loses focus looking at pictures of ridiculous hats*

Wait.

Where was I going with this again?

Um . . .

Hold on.

*just*

*one*

*more*

*silly hat google search*

Okay. Back to business.

My point is: THAT'S why I've been mia. (Not the hats, the traveling. Duh.) And the times I have been home--I've really just felt like THIS:



Feel free to take this as 1) I've been lazy and haven't wanted to do anything* OR 2)I wanted to dance with people in monkey costumes. Either will work.

MINUS the hand in my pants/really nice girl for really nice sex parts.

100% PLUS the part about not combing my hair. For real. Just ask el hubster.

Anyhoo. I'll be back soon. Promise! With book recommendations (holy cow I've read some awesome ones recently), author interviews, and of course my thoughts & shenanigans. You know . . . basically, the usual.

Also, if you skipped over the video but haven't seen it yet (or heard the song) it's totes worth watching. Very giggleable. I secretly want to learn the dance.

*I have been doing stuff though, silly. Of course I have. More on that in the next few weeks, too.

QOTD: How's YOUR April been?

My AOTD: Um, didn't you just read my post?

yodeling and winning.

So, I'm a little late with this post.

My b, y'all!

It's just that . . . I'm on a cross-country road trip with my sister and her husband. AND I'm flippin' sick. Like . . . I've been yodeling for two days.

If you replace yodeling with vomiting, I mean.

That's right. I've either got food poisoning or the stomach flu. I don't really care which--all I care about is that every. single. time. we stop the car, I have to . . . yodel.

It's not fun. (www.duh.com)

But you know what IS fun?

Winning books!

And you know who wins the books I'm giving away in honor of Carol signing with an agent???

Kristi from random Daily Thoughts!! 

Congratulations :) Shoot me an email with your mailing address and I'll send the books to ya as soon as I get home! (April 14th)

QOTD: Have you ever been to Dodge City? 

AOTD: Yup. I'm here RIGHT NOW! 

These four things you shall not do . . . At an agent panel . . . In my opinion.

Dear people-who-will-probably-never-see-this-blog-because-if-you-read-blogs-and/or-are-skilled-in-google-fu-you're-already-aware-of-these-things:

But just in case. . .

Here's a list of four things you might not want to do at an agent panel:

1. Not pay attention and ask a question that's already been answered IN DEPTH. And then proceed to ask a series of follow up questions making agents repeat their IN DEPTH answers.

Because: Duh.

2. Ask a question that's actually a thinly veiled pitch for your book. For example:

Writer: Um, okay, so like, my dad was a famous dragon slayer in the 80s and 90s--and I'm writing a non-fiction novel about how he didn't want to marry any of the princesses he saved. Can you even believe it?!? I'm also writing a nonfiction tell-all about my time as an extra on the set of The Simpsons and I totally made out with Bart...So I guess my question is... what's the best way to let you know about what I'm writing?

Yeah. No. I mean, I can't speak as an agent (why? because I'm not one, obvi) but as a fellow writer in the same panel, I now pretty much hate your guts.

Okay. Dislike you.

Okay. Am annoyed.

Because: Unless the panel is titled "Everybody Pitch Now" (clearly to the tune of C+C Music Factory's Everybody Dance Now) panels aren't the place to pitch an agent. Plenty of conferences have agent pitch sessions that you can sign up for. And sometimes agents linger after their panels, for you to speak with them privately then. I don't know if those times are times you should pitch or not, but they're better than in a room full of people who want answers to real questions that will help more than just one person.

3. Ask an agent if you can send them your query even though they've just said they don't rep what you write. For example:

Agent: I absolutely 100% do not represent fiction. 

Writer: So. . . I know you don't represent fiction, but I have this amazing YA paranormal. Can I query you anyway?

Agent: . . . *crickets*

Because: Here's the thing: a LOT of times agents will make exceptions for conference goers. As in, they'll open up to queries if they're currently closed. But I've never heard of one opening up to queries for things that they absolutely do not represent. And, think about it. Why would you want them to? Don't you want an agent who loves what you write? Who has contacts at publishing houses based on previous sales with your genre? Also, other writers will probably maybe probably laugh at you for asking a question like that. (I mean, not me, of course. Because I would never laugh at you.) 

4. Disagree with an agent's answer in a condescending way. Por ejemplo:

Agent: Right now, most publishers pay authors 25% royalties for e-book sales.

Writer: No. You're wrong, you idiot. My friend told me blah blah blah...

Because: Welp, it's just plain rude. Didn't you ever learn your manners ? No? Well then. You should know that the agent's right and you're misinformed and you look like a big beyotch. (I will say: this is different from asking follow up questions. I think those are fine because sometimes things aren't easily explained/understood on the first go-round. Or maybe that's just because I'm blonde.) 

Love always,
Sara


PS All examples are exaggerations of things I've seen recently. Except the part where the agent says e-book sales are at a 25% royalty rate right now. That's something I heard from an agent at VA Festival of the Book this year. 

QOTD: What's your favorite word today?

Mine's beyotch.

Friday Funny: Josh Groban Sings Kanye West's Tweets. LMFAO

This. . . really needs no introduction.




Happy Friday

PS Check out Christine Fonseca's big announcement! (CLICK HERE)

PPS Check out Cambria Dillon's blog today--and win a 5-page critique by her agent!!!

PPPS Want to keep the laughter coming? CLICK HERE for previous funnies.

PPPPS Thanks to Cristin for sharing this video with me!

PPPPPS I have nothing to say here, but I was having too much fun typing all the postscripts to stop myself...

#VAbook: First Page Critiques

So. I took eleventy bajillion notes during this one panel, Dancing with the Manuscripts, at The Virginia Festival of the Book.

Yes, you read that correctly. ELEVENTY BAJILLION. 

Before you run away screaming with flailing muppet arms, you should know I'm not writing all eleventy bajillion notes out here today.

You will not have to read a novel-length post if you stick around. 

Relieved?

Phew.

INSTEAD I sorted the notes into categories and simplified them into pretty pictures.       And by pretty pictures, I mean word clouds and nothing more.

But first?

An explanation:

Ahead of time, writers could submit their first 100 words to be critiqued during the session. Sadly, I did not discover this until past the deadline. But lots of other people did and I kept track of everything said about THEIR pages.

Winning Qualities for Your First Page

prose = beautiful language, active verbs, clean writing
engaging = good setup, foreshadowing, emotions evoked right away, fun to read, wanted to know more immediately

Red Card Qualities for Your First Page

(Panelists held up red cards if they didn't want to read past those first 100 words.)

prose = bad metaphors, clunky language, too many adverbs
bad description = take too long describing one thing, vague
something interesting : one panelist didn't like an entry because Hitler was referred to flippantly (the MC compared someone to Hitler), because she'd JUST been to a WWII panel, so it hit too close to home for her at the moment. timing really can be everything

Tada! 

Donzo.

In what could have been an epic-length post, I brought you pictures. (Well, really it wasn't me. It was wordle.)

QOTD: What's your favorite number. 

Mine's eleventy bajillion. 

Or nineteen.